Captain Jack's Hula Cruise

We were fortunate that the harbor cruise under the Mai Tai intoxicated hula moon was only two hours rather than the ill-fated three hour tour that stranded Gilligan and his crew. Like Gilligan’s Minnow, Captain Jack’s Hula Cruise departure was uneventful enough. The two free Mai Tais that somehow magically appeared in everyone’s hands upon boarding smoothed over any pre-existing queasiness that may have been sloshing around in the back of passenger’s minds.

But unlike the crew on the Minnow, Captain Jack’s passenger list was much longer, and contained a much more nefarious group of adventurers. And then there was the crew itself – pacific islanders clad in exotic costumes that would make the Victoria Secrets catalog look like Home and Garden.

As for the passenger list, the central characters in our story included Cabana Boy and his long time girl friend Dancing Girl. Accompanying Mr. Boy and Ms. Girl, was their long term partner- in-crime, Stella, and her new squeeze, Rocky.

To be honest, for the last several days, the hula cruise had been weighing heavily on Cabana Boy’s mind. Having recently relocated to Hawaii, he and his lovely companion had so far successfully managed to stay under the radar of local officials. But now the idea of tagging along on a night of debauchery with Stella and Rocky gave him concern.

Stella was his main worry. If history was any indication, Stella was usually at the epicenter of events that ended up as the lead story on the eleven-o’clock evening news. And most recently, people were beginning to post blogs on Utube documenting Stella-sightings. In Cabana Boy’s mind, the chances of an uneventful Hula cruise was slim.

And then there was Rocky, Stella’s new husband. Rocky was a happy go-lucky guy that Cabana Boy hit it off with from the start. Rocky’s special-forces background, and hints of CIA involvement, by themselves, seemed innocent enough. But Rocky’s recent obsession with walking away from the hula cruise with a coconut-bra, and his newly found desire to be reincarnated as a male lion; for reasons that would be objectionable to the League of Woman Voters, The American Legion, and the Cub Scouts made Cabana Boy think that perhaps Rocky was on a wave-length yet to be recognized by the FCC.

Last, but not least, was Dancing Girl, who most recently had found a new interest in environmental activism. Recycling, dolphin and whale protection, energy conservation and moron control ran through her veins like electrons on a live 220-volt circuit. If Dancing Girl discovered any environmental irregularities on Captain Jack’s gig, she already had the Hawi Coqui Frog Swat Team queued up on her cell phone. Cabana Boy had visions of helicopters swooping down on the Hula Cruise with real frog men jumping out to inspect Captain Jack’s rust laden hull.

Yes, indeed, Cabana Boy had reason for concern.

But Cabana Boy quickly decided to follow the advice of a good friend who had told him that “when living in Hawaii, my advice is to just put your feet up on the table, lean back, and let it all go to hell.”

With all this in mind, Cabana Boy settled in at a table directly in front of the band and began sipping his third Mai Tai and sighed. Feeling the warm tropical breeze, the gentle rolling and pitching of the ship, he began to relax and enjoy the soothing, pleasurable rum orgasm. It was the sort of nirvana you only see in people who have recently had a two hour massage, or a fresh application of Preparation-H.

“Perhaps,” thought Cabana Boy, feeling slightly drunk, “I worry too much. What possibly could go wrong on such a lovely evening?”

As dinner was served, Cabana Boy continued to sink deeper into the warmth of the evening and his earlier concerns evaporated like morning dew on a hibiscus flower. The band played a few Willie K tunes, and they were eventually joined by four beautiful young hula dancers. Each dancer, in turn, represented a Hawaiian legend. First came ‘Aina or land, then came Sea or kai, followed by Sky or lani, and ending with Fire or Pele. One by one, each seemingly more beautiful than the proceeding dancer, they passed Cabana Boy’s table, floating by like mist on a lake. Cabana Boy and Rocky, of course, were on the edge or their seats. But Dancing Girl and Stella, quite naturally, were unimpressed, if not a bit miffed, by the attention the dancers were giving to Cabana Boy and Rocky.

Once dinner was cleared away, the dancers returned to the stage and, as expected, pulled several women out of the audience to participate in the hula experience. Unfortunately for the performers, they selected Dancing Girl as one of the participants. Little did they know that several years ago, Dancing Girl had won the All Polynesian Tahitian Dance contest in Tahiti, and it didn’t take long for Dancing Girl to get her swaying, pulsating , gyrating, hips into gear, quickly working the crowd into an uproarious frenzy.

When the performance was concluded, Dancing Girl was greeted by a standing ovation, and several of the troupe of performers gave Dancing Girl their leis as an appreciation for her fine work. As Dancing Girl returned to the table, she leaned down and whispered into Cabana Boys ear, “Hey Cabbie, if you want to get lucky, meet me on the upper deck in 5 minutes. You haven’t seen anything yet.”

Well, of course, after all the booze, the thought of joining Dancing Girl beneath a shimmering hula moon was just more than Cabana Boy could stand. Cabana Boy excused himself from the table and slowly made his way to the stern of Captain Jack’s catamaran where the stairway to the upper deck was located. Because the passenger list of this particular cruise was relatively small, the entire upper deck had been closed off and was the perfect place for a private rendezvous. Before proceeding up the roped off stairway, Cabana Boy lingered along the railing surrounding the stern to observe the phosphoresces in the boat’s wake. “God this is a beautiful evening,” thought Cabana Boy. “I really love it here. Why didn’t we come here sooner?”

Cabana Boy and Dancing Girl met  at the top of the stairs on the upper deck. The moon was full and light shimered off the ocean, sparkling in Dancing Girl's eyes. Cabana Boy and Dancing Girl embraced, but Cabana Boy sensed defiance.

“Did you like those young hula girls, Cabana Boy?”

“Only in my dreams.”

Dancing Girl looked away, seemingly saddened.

“Look at me, Dancing Girl. I’m here for you, forever.”

Dancing Girl raised her eyes and met Cabana Boy’s gaze. “Good answer, and I’m here for you Cabana Boy, forever.” Dancing Girl smiled and whispered, “Now, do what you like with me.”

To the end of his life, Cabana Boy would remember their night on the Hula Cruise. He would remember Dancing Girl's naked body glistening with sweat, the rest of her life shinning in her satisfied eyes. Cabana Boy would also remember the shot that rang out from below.

“Holy shit, that sounded like a 9 mm Glock” whispered Cabana Boy. “Looks like the party’s over. Did you bring your cell phone?”

“Are you kidding, the way I’m dressed, there’s no place to carry it.”

“Ok then, look, I’m going to go down stairs to see what’s going on. Stay up here until I come back to get you. Find a good hiding place. If I’m not back in 15 minutes, swim to shore to get help. And put some clothes on would you please.”

Dancing Girl reached out to Cabana Boy, but he was already gone.

Cabana Boy descended the stairs slowly and immediately noticed that there was a black 16-foot zodiac inflatable boat tied to the stern, trailing in the ship’s wake.

“That wasn’t here 30 minutes ago.” thought Cabana Boy. “We must have guests.”

Cabana Boy continued his decent down the stairs until he came to the landing on the stern. Slowly, he approached the corner of the aft head where he could peer around the corner without being seen.

What Cabana Boy observed, confirmed the party was definitely over. There was a wounded, if not dead, passenger being nursed at one of the tables. On the side of the stage next to the band, a gunman held Stella from behind with a gun barrel resting against her temple. Rocky was standing close by, helplessly, but the gunman holding Stella had Rocky’s full attention.

“Shit,” thought Cabana Boy. “It’s always Stella. What is it with that woman.”

In the center of the boat, another gunman was collecting valuables from the passengers.

 “Pirates!” thought Cabana Boy. “Who would have thought?”

Cabana Boy never thought of himself as a hero. But it was in Cabana Boy's nature, or perhaps training to act; and act he did.

Taking a deep breath, Cabana Boy took three long running strides into the area where the pirate was collecting valuables. It was on Cabana Boy's second step that the pirate realized Cabana Boy was charging him and, as their eyes locked, Cabana Boy somersaulted to the floor, rolling towards the pirate and launched his feet up into the pirates chest, knocking him backwards into the portside railing, knocking the gun from the pirates hand.

Across the room, the other pirate seeing his partner was in trouble shoved Stella towards the starboard railing where she tumbled over the railing and into the ocean. As the pirate raised his pistol towards Cabana Boy, Rocky saw his chance. Rocky knocked the pirate’s arm up into the air as a miss-aimed round exploded up into the ceiling. Rocky, in a swift follow-up motion, threw a frighteningly powerful punch into the pirate’s forehead knocking him unconscious.

Turning towards Cabana Boy, Rocky yelled, "you're on your own Cabana Boy, Stella fell into the ocean and she can't swim. I'm going after her.

“Damn you, Stella!” thought Cabana Boy. “How many times have I tried to teach you how to swim?”

Hearing the miss-aimed round go off, Cabana Boy's advisory, recovered enough to pull a diving knife from a sheath strapped to his ankle and charged Cabana Boy. Cabana Boy waited until the last possible second and neatly side-stepped the oncoming pirate while at the same time driving his elbow into the pirate’s jaw knocking him again to the ground. Unfortunately for Cabana Boy, as the pirate passed by, he was able to cut a superficial slash into Cabana Boys left forearm.

"Ok, Captain Kidd," sneered Cabana Boy. “I've had enough fun for this evening." As the pirate rose up to take another run, Cabana Boy did a back flip, landing on his feet while grabbing the pirates gun from the floor. Raising the gun with both hands, Cabana Boy placed three tight rounds into the pirate’s heart.

As the echo of the gunfire hung in the air so did the silence of the stunned collection of passengers and crew. The action had been swift and furious and it took several seconds for the passengers and crew to realize they were now safe. The silence was broken by the ukulele player who started to clap loudly. He was immediately joined by everyone else who happily, almost deliriously, cheered with relief.

Cabana Boy, oblivious the reaction of the passengers, emptied the gun’s chamber and holstered it behind his back beneath his belt. He turned to the nearest crew member and said, turn on your spot lights, we’ve got a couple people overboard.”

Then, turning to attend the wounded passenger, he found Dancing Girl standing in his way. She said, “Cabana Boy, if you ever do something crazy like that again, it will be me that you'll be doing battle with.”

“You saw the whole thing. I thought I told you to stay upstairs.”

“And when have I ever listened you?”

“Never,” smiled Cabana Boy taking her into his arms.

A half-hour later, after fishing Rocky and Stella out of the sea, the four musketeers sat at their table nursing another round of Mai Tais while Rocky bandaged Cabana Boy’s arm.

Dancing Girl looked around and quietly said to the other three, “You know, when we get back into harbor, there’s going to be lots of cops and reporters hanging around.”

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about that myself,” replied Rocky. “I think we need to get off the stage coach before it pulls into town.”

“What about finger prints and all that crap they do on CSI?” asked Stella.

“Well, they will never find my prints in any database that I know of,” replied Cabana Boy.

“Mine either,” replied Rocky, who looked at Cabana Boy closely.”

“What about Stella and me?” asked Dancing Girl.

“Well, they are going to have to find us, to find you two,” replied Rocky. “And besides, we’re the good guys here. I don’t think they are going to try too hard. And we paid cash for the tickets, so there is no real record of us being here. And, as for you, Cabana Boy, that was quite a move you put on that pirate dude. And those three rounds you put into his heart were group rather tight. You weren’t by chance ever in Special Forces were you?”

“I never said that,” replied Cabana Boy with a slight grin on his face. “That was a nice punch you threw at the guy with the gun.”

“Right,” Rocky replied, also smiling.

Predictably, as Captain Jack’s Hula Cruise pulled into port, Cabana Boy, Dancing Girl, Rocky, Stella, and the Zodiac had disappeared into the warm dark night to watch the eleven-o’clock news.